Sober Toolbox 6: Sober Mindset - Positive or Negative
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Hello Sobertown
How do you view sobriety? How do you view the prospect of living your life devoid of alcohol?
Why are you truly here, deciding if Sobertown is a place you can live? Why are you here, trying to figure out whether us who reside here are really onto something or whether we are just a bunch of crazies pushing an overblown ideal? Why are you here at this juncture in your life assessing the need to quit alcohol?
Are you here with us out of necessity?
Are you here because you have been told by somebody else that you have to quit?
Are you here because you have been researching, and you want a healthier life free of alcohol?
Are you at your wits end with the daily cycle, the fear and loathing?
Did a medical professional tell you that you have to come to this place?
Choosing Sobriety
This is what I know of change.
For true change to become you, it is YOU who has to come here, to be here and to want to stay here. Of all the tools and the groups and the external sources of support in existence, none of these are as important as what is consolidated within your own mind. Your own mindset and readiness form the backbone of sobriety and the external supports help to hold this up.
Sobertown is the best place on Earth, and you are welcome always. But the gates are always unlocked and you need to decide for yourself that this place is for you and that you are ready to pack up and move.
Sobriety is a wonderful choice. It is also at brief points in time, a difficult journey.
It will be more difficult to live a sober life when the choice is rooted in resentment.
It will be more difficult to live a sober life because somebody else told you that you should or need to.
It will be more difficult to live a sober life if your own mind believes that you are missing out by being here. You will not be missing out, quite the opposite.
Many of us here have come from a dark place. We have seen the depths that consumption can bring, we have faced our demons, we know where we need to be, we know where we have to be and that is here in Sobertown.
Aside from this, we want to be here, we love it here and we know it is a better place to be.
Many of us though are not certain yet, observing or hovering around Day Zero, unsure if this is a move for the better or just one we want to try to force. Many of us know in the back of our minds that we need to move to Sobertown, but we are not yet convinced. Maybe this is you?
Sober Tools
One of the most important tools we have in sobriety is a desire to change and positive framing in regards to the transition. One of the most important tools we have is the ability to flip this journey on its head and to genuinely see it as an opportunity for a new life, a better life, a positive change and an opportunity for growth.
For some of us, this desire is like a switch in our minds. We hit the point, maybe it is rock bottom, maybe it is just being sick and tired of being sick and tired, maybe it is a mental breaking point, maybe it is a health breakdown, maybe it is family-related. Whatever it is, some of us hit a moment of clarity, and we flick that switch to off, we know,
That’s it.
We feel it viscerally. I have to quit completely. If you have had your moment of clarity, and your alcohol switch is now set to off then you are at an advantage. When the switch is off, we can move forward and see this change as positive. I do not for one second suggest that when that switch is off the physical process becomes easy. No, not at all, but it does help.
Wanting to Live Alcohol-Free
Essentially, you need to come to the conclusion not only that you need to live alcohol-free. You need to want it and not only this, you need to begin to see the truth.
The truth is that the change to an alcohol-free life is absolutely fantastic, and it genuinely is an opportunity and a gift.
Life without alcohol is indescribably easier than chasing drinks one day, one hour to the next. That life is hard, that life is exhausting and that life is deadly. Simply accepting none as the correct amount prevents all of this daily resistance.
Think about it.
Life while managing alcohol is taxing. It is the largest waste of energy I can think of. Living without alcohol means no more planning how to get home, where to leave the car, what drinks to take, when to buy them, figuring out hangover days and recovery food and drinks.
Living alcohol-free means being ok every day of the week, it means planning for real activities on weekends and breaking the cycle of making it through the workweek to drink harder on the weekend, recover barely by Sunday, and torture yourself for another week and repeat.
Living alcohol-free means, dare I say it, enjoying Mondays, Tuesdays, workdays, all days.
Living alcohol-free is a giant life opportunity.
If you come into this place as though somebody is dragging you, as you claw the ground kicking and screaming, then staying will be tougher for you, this I guarantee.
How Alcohol Skews Our Perspective
Here is a fact.
When we go out and we drink, our perception of an experience is heavily distorted by alcohol. We think we are having a great time, we think this is great, we think we look better, dance better, everything better.
Here are the facts.
We do none of these things better, we act stupidly, we speak incoherently, we do things we would NEVER do sober, we think we have meaningful conversations, deep and meaningful is not so meaningful when we can barely string a sentence together and won’t remember the topic of conversation OR even have the same opinion the next day.
We distort the experience. How do I know? Go to a pub, a bar, stay late and stay sober. It’s like watching a complete shit show, a mess and inside each of these people’s heads is the notion that this is awesome, I am having fun. Reality, some people are sitting by themselves in their own drunken state barely communicating, others are doing regrettable things with people they never would have sober, others are doing things they usually would not such as pissing in a sink, others are having nonsense conversations they do not even believe in and will not remember and some are even starting fights.
We think in our mind we are having fun. From an external standpoint, the absolute opposite is true. We may as well just be at home sitting in a corner with a big bottle of booze because it would be no less productive and might even save a lot of trouble.
Identify What is Important in Your Life
To think about this change logically we need to rewind and slow down, remove emotion and think logically. Try these strategies.
Write down on paper the two most important things in your life. These are your purpose and your reason to live. Then draw them step by step back to the grassroots method of supporting these two things in your life and draw them step by step to pushing these away within your life and destroying them. I will create an example below.
1: My Family. Providing them with the love and support they need to flourish and be happy.
2: My Fitness: Maintaining a healthy and functional body and mind as I age.
Now, let’s take the first wildly important “thing” in your life. This will be a common answer “My Family”.
What does it take for you to be the best you can be for your family?
Draw this back to simple daily activities, temperament and actions.
To provide my family with support and love I need to be ATTENTIVE, LOVING, CALM, ENERGETIC, PRODUCTIVE, SUCCESSFUL IN WORK, HEALTHY. Essentially to be the best you can be to support the most important thing in your life, which is your family you need to be THE BEST YOU CAN BE.
Now, what do you need to do daily to build toward being all of these things to your family?
Let’s take ENERGETIC for example. What steps can you take to be energetic and be your best for your family? Sleep well, exercise, eat well, maintain healthy social interactions, simple healthy habits right?
Now you have linked what factors WILL help you to be these things for your family take alcohol, write it down.
Take each factor such as CALM, ATTENTIVE, ENERGETIC etc… and then refer them to alcohol one by one. Does consuming alcohol bring you closer or take you further away from the traits which make you a better parent, wife, husband, partner, carer for your family?
For example, take energetic and ask yourself, does consuming alcohol add to this trait or subtract from it?
Use examples if you have them, such as recalling being unfairly angry at a loved one due to your own tiredness or fatigue, which was due to your own actions and nothing to do with them. Almost certainly the answer to most or all of these questions is alcohol subtracts, it takes you further from these desired traits when you consume alcohol both at the time and definitely during the hangover or post-drinking slump.
Does Alcohol Contribute to What You Want Most?
After completing this task and visualising which factors are required to be what you need to be for your family you can now see consuming alcohol, even if in small quantities and definitely in large only take you further from supporting this goal.
Next, take this all back to the start. Revisit the most important factor for which you started this task. FAMILY.
You have most likely highlighted how alcohol is detracting from your ability to be who and what you need to and want to be for your family.
You truly WANT to be there to be the best you can be for your family.
So in turn you actually do WANT to improve the factors which allow you to be the best you can be for them.
So in fact, you do WANT to completely stop drinking alcohol. You simply have not previously boiled it back to the small things and seen the impact alcohol has on each individual trait you exhibit during the day.
An alcohol-free life is what you WANT.
Drinking alcohol separates you from your most valued goals and your cherished purpose in life. Guaranteed.
Sometimes it takes writing these points down and seeing the reality of what alcohol consumption is truly doing to draw you away from the most valued things in your life to understand how much you really do desire or need a life free of alcohol.
Complete the process for the second most important part of your life.
For me, it was my fitness. The same can be applied. Boil this feature of your life or this goal down to daily habits and then consider whether consuming alcohol takes you closer or further from them. Complete this for as many points as you see fit.
How Does Alcohol Take Away From What We Want Most?
Here is the simple overriding fact.
To achieve our goals, almost every single goal in our life, and to be what we desire to be in our life, we require health. We require our health to be as good as it can be. The simple, SIMPLE fact is that alcohol takes our health from us little bit by little bit. Alcohol will always take you further from your goals, further from good health. This is what it is. To desire good health, to desire a productive life, to desire to be a good parent or family member is to desire an alcohol-free life. Even if you don’t know it, deep down, you do.
When we can truly see the truth that leading a life free of alcohol does lead us toward every single thing we hold dear and drinking takes us further away from them, then it becomes clear and logical to view this journey as nothing but a great opportunity, which is exactly what it is.
Do not, repeat do not expect your brain to be logical. You must prepare your mind to battle pure idiocy because our minds are simply not optimised for good choices, they truly aren’t. This is why we require work and planning to live free of alcohol. You need these tools, mindset and background for those moments when your mind is tired, lonely, depressed, hungry, anxious, these and more are the states of mind lending themselves to a desire for comfort and a reach for support from any means available, including alcohol.
My words here are just words.
My experiences are mine alone.
Your internal thoughts are yours alone, and they are observable only to you.
Your mindset in quitting alcohol is yours alone and only you truly understand it.
I can not truly change your mindset through these words alone.
What I can do though, I can encourage you to delve into your thoughts when it comes to this decision and to use the tools we are working to describe to you, as well as those that other authors and groups have created and described and educate yourself.
You will come to realise that an alcohol-free life is absolutely not a life devoid of fun, it is not a life devoid of passion, it is not a life with no outlet, it is not sad, it is not deprived, it is not flavorless.
An alcohol-free life is one of calm, of thoughtfulness, of productivity, of selflessness, of fitness, of connectivity and free of the fear and loathing attached to consuming ethanol. Perhaps you think more financially, if so, well, congratulations because the best financial move you could ever make is to stop throwing money down the toilet by buying booze.
An alcohol-free life is incredible.
Benefits of Living Alcohol-Free
Here are some benefits of living a life free of alcohol common to many/most living this way:
Really take these in and think about how great life would be with any or all of these below improvements in your life.
Reduced anxiety
Reduced depression
Better Sleep
Better relationships
Improved fitness adaptation to exercise
Healthy weight loss
Better skin and hydration
More money
More useable time
Increased productivity at home and work
Level mood
Reduced lifetime risk of multiple forms of cancer, gastro-intestinal disease, heart disease and psychological disorders
I could go on, and on, and on with this list, but I think this is more than enough reason to see how this change is absolutely not deprivation and is a highly positive move in one’s life. This is just another mindset. Is the move positive or is it negative? I think it is positive, and I think it is an opportunity. I hope you can come to see the same as I do.
THE TOOL IS THIS
Choose this life, want this life, see it for what it is, this life is an opportunity and not a burden.
Educate yourself deeply on the topic of sobriety.
Listen to other’s stories who are deeper into sobriety, search for the negatives they experience in living alcohol-free. You won’t find too many.
Think deeply about the positives in the list above, write down a list of the positives you think living alcohol-free would bring to your life and specifically to your life, include names and specifics relevant to you and your life/work/family. Review this list, it will far outweigh the negatives of quitting alcohol.
See the truth, a life free from alcohol as an opportunity and not a curse or obligation
When you see how positive the move to an alcohol-free life truly is and you shift your mindset from, “I have to quit”, to “I want to quit”. From “I deprive myself” to, “sobriety adds to my life”. From “I need to be numb” to “I want to feel” and so on. Then you can understand the change is genuinely positive, not negative. This is your journey. Should you choose to embrace this change and see it for what it truly is - Positive, beautiful, growth creating, rather than a chore then you give yourself a true advantage.
A positive mindset is also very applicable when it comes to how you outwardly portray your decision. For example when somebody asks you the question, why? What is important is not so much what you reply, more how you say it. When you are asked, why. You could answer saying you feel better alcohol-free in a mopey tone and the interpretation regardless of what is said will likely be, oh, you had a big problem didn’t you. You could instead answer enthusiastically saying you feel amazing, why would I drink! Ok, this response will be interpreted differently, you just have a zest for life, you genuinely prefer this way of living and it is not a choice of deprivation or necessity, you don’t need alcohol to be happy, outgoing, confident. Answering the question why will be easier when you do see this journey as a positive move in yourself.
I wish you all the very best in your planning and transition, this is a positive change in your life, whoever you are, whatever your reason for coming here, this is a positive move and a better life.
As always, we here at Sobertown hope this information helps you,
The Sobertown Blog articles and recordings are created as a means of assisting others in achieving and maintaining freedom from alcohol. Experiences, entries, research and article content are that of the author/s and should be applied in a safe manner, where/when relevant, with medical oversight. This is not medical advice.
